Day 2: How crazy am I??

So far today I have made strong food choices...I've chosen not eat any. ha ha ha! I know that I need to get myself back on a schedule and actually EAT the way I should. Breakfast, snack, Lunch, Snack, Dinner...small snack. Believe it or not...I have done that and lost pounds, serious pounds in fact. 40 is no small number and I could stand to lose more than that. But I am unsure how to map this out. Do I count calories? Carbs? Low-fat? Weigh and measure food? It seems so difficult to chose knowing that I get burnt out so easily because I have a large amount to lose. Its one thing to be carrying around one heavy body but to be carrying around one heavy body that could ultimately be two fat people is not my idea of a blast.  I was chatting with an old high school buddy of mine yesterday and she made a comment about being heavy and wanting to try something with all of her "Fatty Friends". Now, I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants. Sad thing is, I really almost peed my pants. Turns out that when you get too heavy your body cant take the weight of the the extra F-A-T squishing your internal organs and forcing your bladder to um...well...leak. :( I'm 32 people! I should not have to wear panty liners for urine purposes. This is only a small part of it. I take 13 pills a day...THIRTEEN!!!!! I have high blood pressure, swelling of the feet, I am now Diabetic, I have to take asprin to lower my risk of heart attack and the list goes on. Some people may look at me and snicker and make comments all they want. I can not blame it all on loving food. I can put some blame on self-esteem issues, depression, and the loss of the greatest man in the world...my Daddy. When he passed away, I never even got to say goodbye to him. I didnt kiss him goodbye the night before like I always did. Things were not well in my marriage and choices were made that devastated me and still haunt my mind. All I can say about that is that my Dad would have chosen to forgive and that is what I did...but no one said the hardest part was going to be forgetting about it. Forgiveness---ppstt--that is the easy part. I know I have spent the last two years punishing myself for things that were literally out of my control. I became reclusive and detached from all of those that I love the most. I turned to food for satisfaction and comfort knowing that it was not going to make me feel like a piece of dirt and it was not going to rub my face in bad decisions. It was going to be there and make me feel...........satisfied. I don't really know how to explain it. Unless you have a weight issue and I mean a significant weight issue, you truly can not understand. Eating is my reward and my punishment all in one. So how do I stop? How can I take control and stick with it?
I thought of an interesting--challenge, if you will. For all of my Fatty Friends...if it works I think I will put together a cook book with everything that we have composed. I can not tell you what it is just yet, no offense, but I want to have a hand up in this world and if this is my hand up...I'm taking it. This could be so cool. I'm excited just thinking about it.... d:9)
Until tomorrow folks...I will make an honest effort to make smart food choices today.
Malisa