Ladies, I love you all and I thank you for reading my rants of randomness. It makes me happy to know that I have you all in my life and I love you for being here for me.
Angie, you have always made me feel better and knowing that you and I have shared lots of struggles with weightloss even with SP, makes our friendship a stronger one, because we know of each others struggles. I have never met you, but I love you bunches. I think you played a larger roll in me finding my way back towards GOD then you know. Thank you.
Amy, I love ground Turkey and ground chicken. I dont buy red meat at all. I have a ton of hamburger patties in my freezer that was given to me, but Im not going to eat them. I only enjoy them if they are BBQ'd and since Im the one that cooks...I aint cookin them. I would love to get together and sit down and try to swap recipes that taste great and are healthy. You, kim and I should really try to put something together. I can't wait to see you on friday...I feel like a little kid at christmas. :)
Kim, All these years and you still rock sista! My nutritionist said the same thing..I need to eat more and stop 'starving' myself. That is why I said I needed to get back on track with eating regularly. Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack,dinner and a small snack...it really does work, it is just that I feel like I am always thinking about food...UGH! I will bring something made with love, but I will also try to make it healthier but just as tasty!
See you friday...smooches!
Lisa, lady lady lady...I am sorry you are going through such a hard time with Levi. What a booger. I look at Hayden sometimes and pray that he makes smart choices and doesnt hurt me like that or like my brother does my mom. As it is, he is defiant and a smart mouth and he is only 3. It pisses me off to be honest, but I know my limits and I refuse to hit. I know I suffer from a bit of PTSD because of dealing with Savannah's behaviors for so long, but I can not even compare my issues with what you are going through with levi. Hang in there woman and know that I always have your back. You are practically family...shoot...you are family and I am blessed that you are. Big hugs lis, and stay strong and continue with your boot camp. It's something. You can do it, I know you can. Love you!
The Music expierence
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Day 6: To the Queen
I have to say right off the bat that I am so proud of one tiny accomplishment that I have made. When I say tiny I mean tiny, but it is a positive for me which makes is a greater accomplishment. My husband has an entire mouth full of sweet teeth and has to have something sugary everyday. In fact, I often joke about him passing up regular food for cookies and cakes and such...honestly though, it is sooooooo true. He eats more sugar than anyone I know. Anyhooo, last night he asked me if I wanted Dairy Queen because he was going and I told him NO! (singing) I said no-oh, I said no-oh....(happy butt dance) Woop Woop! One small step for Malisa, one giant step for my fello FAT peeps! I cant tell you the last time I willingly said no to a blizzard....it's just so perfect. Never-mind the fact that the milk product plays havoc on my tummy not to mention causes my blood sugars to be on the higher side. It also contributes to my weight gain....I know right? Whooda thought! Pppfffffttt! Hand slap to the the forehead...............HELLO! DUH!
Even though it was one night, it is a start. Everyone has to start somewhere and I am starting with the higher of my evils...The Queen! Im breaking up with you DQ...I don't want to see you for a long long time (although I have to pass her every day, several times a day...she's a block away). I can see you, but I am not going to date you any longer. You and I are not a good couple and you only bring me happiness for a few minutes and then you always bring me down. You don't help me with my self-esteem and you certainly are not helping my pants fit any better. Its time I realize that you are just not good for me or my health. You are poison, you lure me in with your sweetness and promises of enjoyment and then BAM!, you knock me down again. I feel worse about myself after I have been with you and it is time I stop torturing myself. I am leaving you. I'm done and I'm taking my kids with me. You are not going to poison them like you do me. You will not give them false promises and bring them down. The only way I can show them your ways is to stay away and start building a healthier foundation for us by dating other foods. Goodbye my love, I will miss you- some. Maybe one day we can see each other again, but not until you get healthy or I get healthy, which ever comes first. Until then, my love...this is goodbye.
Malisa
Even though it was one night, it is a start. Everyone has to start somewhere and I am starting with the higher of my evils...The Queen! Im breaking up with you DQ...I don't want to see you for a long long time (although I have to pass her every day, several times a day...she's a block away). I can see you, but I am not going to date you any longer. You and I are not a good couple and you only bring me happiness for a few minutes and then you always bring me down. You don't help me with my self-esteem and you certainly are not helping my pants fit any better. Its time I realize that you are just not good for me or my health. You are poison, you lure me in with your sweetness and promises of enjoyment and then BAM!, you knock me down again. I feel worse about myself after I have been with you and it is time I stop torturing myself. I am leaving you. I'm done and I'm taking my kids with me. You are not going to poison them like you do me. You will not give them false promises and bring them down. The only way I can show them your ways is to stay away and start building a healthier foundation for us by dating other foods. Goodbye my love, I will miss you- some. Maybe one day we can see each other again, but not until you get healthy or I get healthy, which ever comes first. Until then, my love...this is goodbye.
Malisa
Monday, October 4, 2010
#5: Time to step it up
This morning I could hardly get out of bed. I felt like I had been beaten and was unable to move for a period of time. Walking proved to be a chore. My back hurts so bad that I can not stand up straight and can only walk kinda hunched and crooked. This is getting really old, really fast. How can I get motivated if I can't move? I tried to stretch and un-tighten some of my muscles, but my back hurts so bad that I just want to cry. It literally feels like someone kicked me super hard in the lower back. I guess today is my "complaining" day. Someone feel sorry for me cause I can't do it alone...lol
Ok, enough about how much I hurt. I'm going grocery shopping tomorrow and have vowed to make a healthy shopping list. We'll see how that works out and what is on sale. I have a budget people. I have to make my monies stretch. I told my husband last night that I am done with blizzards and DQ. I love ice cream and the cold hard fact of the matter is that it doesn't love me back. Besides the fact that it rips my tummy to shreds, it also adds more fat to my body that I have to deal with. I'm done. I hope that my will is strong enough to say no when he asks me if I want something from their...I do love me some ice cream. mmmmmmmmmmm.
I think I have figured out that it is time for me to step it up and really start to take control over what goes into my body. I don't eat red meat unless its from Taco Bell....mmmm Tacos......I don't eat fish or anything that comes from the water...kinda sad cause it is super healthy. This is where my cookbook would come in handy. It's hard to make something super healthy out of what is left at the end of the month. I need to know that I can go into the kitchen and cook whatever i wanted and it would be a healthier version of it...but...um...no such luck. I love to cook, but dont get it confused with Have to cook. They are two different things. I have to cook every day for the kids, and I dont always like to. That is when I resort to the corn dogs and french fry nights....sorry honey, no steak for you. LOL Not that I make it anyway.
Anyone got any good, healthy, simple recipes that I could make from the stuff that is already on my shelf? Now, that is what I am talkin about.
Well, looks like I need to go play referee. I hear screaming and crying from two different kids. One who is sick and the other who is just a booger! Until tomorrow.
Malisa
Ok, enough about how much I hurt. I'm going grocery shopping tomorrow and have vowed to make a healthy shopping list. We'll see how that works out and what is on sale. I have a budget people. I have to make my monies stretch. I told my husband last night that I am done with blizzards and DQ. I love ice cream and the cold hard fact of the matter is that it doesn't love me back. Besides the fact that it rips my tummy to shreds, it also adds more fat to my body that I have to deal with. I'm done. I hope that my will is strong enough to say no when he asks me if I want something from their...I do love me some ice cream. mmmmmmmmmmm.
I think I have figured out that it is time for me to step it up and really start to take control over what goes into my body. I don't eat red meat unless its from Taco Bell....mmmm Tacos......I don't eat fish or anything that comes from the water...kinda sad cause it is super healthy. This is where my cookbook would come in handy. It's hard to make something super healthy out of what is left at the end of the month. I need to know that I can go into the kitchen and cook whatever i wanted and it would be a healthier version of it...but...um...no such luck. I love to cook, but dont get it confused with Have to cook. They are two different things. I have to cook every day for the kids, and I dont always like to. That is when I resort to the corn dogs and french fry nights....sorry honey, no steak for you. LOL Not that I make it anyway.
Anyone got any good, healthy, simple recipes that I could make from the stuff that is already on my shelf? Now, that is what I am talkin about.
Well, looks like I need to go play referee. I hear screaming and crying from two different kids. One who is sick and the other who is just a booger! Until tomorrow.
Malisa
Sunday, October 3, 2010
The struggle within: Day 4: Ten pounds of sugar in a 5 pound bag...
The struggle within: Day 4: Ten pounds of sugar in a 5 pound bag...: "You ever have one of those dreams that really get you emotional for the entire day? Last night, I had a dream that my husband left me for an..."
Day 4: Ten pounds of sugar in a 5 pound bag...
You ever have one of those dreams that really get you emotional for the entire day? Last night, I had a dream that my husband left me for another woman. It was strange because we were on a family vacation in Ireland or something and we were walking on the rocky shoreline with the kids and he told me about this woman who was flirting with him at the hotel we were staying at. He said that he had told her he was married and that he was flattered. He told me that it made him feel good to be noticed and I said that was nice and its nice to be noticed by other women and that I liked to be noticed by other men too. It makes ya feel good about yourself and gives you the boost that we all need at times. As we were walking, with the kids too, I noticed his facial expression change and he made a very loud statement "It sure is nice being with the WIFE and KIDS!" Just as I turned to look at what he was looking at, I barely caught a glimpse of a blond woman who was built very tiny in nature. She almost looked like a little girl from behind. I shrugged it off and shrugged off my husbands silliness and weird statement. We continued on our walk; enjoying the cool misty breeze and the smell of the salty ocean air. The kids were having fun picking up rocks and looking at little creatures living in the rocks. Next thing I know we are in the hotel lobby and the kids are getting some hot cocoa and I turn to talk to Scott and he is nowhere to be found. Again, I shrugged it off to him going outside for a smoke. The kids and I headed into the main lobby where there was a nice fireplace and some activity tables for kids. We all needed to warm up. We must have waited for Scott for over an hour. I decided to walk up to the desk clerk and ask if they had seen my husband and her eyes widened and she quickly replied with a No. Just as I turned around, I saw Scott in the corner of my eye hugging what seemed to be that little girl. Then he quickly kissed her on the lips and started walking away from her. When he turned around I was staring right at him. My heart sank. I felt it all. Heart break, pain, an uncontrollable urge to vomit and kick someone's ass... I really felt it all in this dream. I was hurting so bad. Somehow in that split second, I thought it might have been a little girl he knew from somewhere...but why would he kiss her? It didnt make sense to me at all. I quickly gazed towards my kids to make sure they hadn't seen any of this and then waited for Scott to come closer.
I dont know what came over me. I felt this rage and anger like no other. I made a tight fist with my right hand and cold cocked him right in the face. I never said a word, I just quietly walked over to my kids and told them it was time to go. We went up to the room, I packed our things and then called for a taxi. Scott never once came into the room nor did he know we were heading back home. My dream then fast forwarded to us being home and Scott being there too. The door bell rang and I opened the door to find a tiny blond woman with her back toward the door standing there. Again, my heart sank. I recognized her from Ireland and I felt sick. I never said a word to her, I just slammed the door shut on her face.
Scott asked me who it was and I responded with " It's your F%#@ing WHORE!"
"MALISA!", he yelled. "That was uncalled for and rude." We got into a short argument before he opened the door and let her in. They hugged and he kissed her cheek. I knew what was going on. I wasnt stupid, I just didnt want to believe it was happening. Thank goodness the kids were at school. The blond hoochy took a seat on my couch and Scott sat next to her and asked me to have a seat. I felt dizzy. He told me that he no longer wanted to be with me and that he wanted to start a life with this chick that was sitting on my couch....MY COUCH. I lost control. I stood up and lunged at her, grabbing her by the hair with one hand and the neck with the other. I told her to get the EFF out of my house and I told him to go with her. I tried pulling me off of her, but I'm ten pounds of sugar in a five pound bag, baby...you aint gettin me to back down. He said that he wanted her to move into our house and that I should be finding a different place to live. I told him to think again and that his ass was going to need to find somewhere for him and his dog to sleep cause they werent kicking me and my kids out of my house. I finally let go of her, or I prolly would have killed her (good thing it was a dream). I dont know what came over me, I felt so sad to be losing my husband but yet I felt almost at peace with it. I was sad that my kids werent going to have a stable house anymore, and that they werent going to be raised by both parents in one household. I thought about how much I truly loved my husband how I couldnt believe he would throw away 12 years over some blond that he said he loved. I screamed at the woman (who was probably 130 pounds) and told her that she needed to get the EFF out of my house and that she could forget about ever being a part of my kids' lives and I told scott the same thing. All I could do and think about was getting even and making his life miserable. It felt good.
Thank goodness it was all just a dream. I feel self conscious of myself. Maybe my husband wants someone else. I dont know. I know it was just a silly silly silly dream, but I can not help but think about how I felt being compared to that skinny skank in my dream. It was terrible.
On another note, I did fairly well with my food choices yesterday. I really didnt eat a whole lot. I had 2 lumpia rolls and 3 tiny appetizer ones and some pasta salad and sauce.
Kay, Im done and Im done rambling for today.
Guess I will go and finish cleaning.
Have a great Sunday folks. I didnt make it to church, I slept in and still didnt feel like I got enough sleep.
Malisa
I dont know what came over me. I felt this rage and anger like no other. I made a tight fist with my right hand and cold cocked him right in the face. I never said a word, I just quietly walked over to my kids and told them it was time to go. We went up to the room, I packed our things and then called for a taxi. Scott never once came into the room nor did he know we were heading back home. My dream then fast forwarded to us being home and Scott being there too. The door bell rang and I opened the door to find a tiny blond woman with her back toward the door standing there. Again, my heart sank. I recognized her from Ireland and I felt sick. I never said a word to her, I just slammed the door shut on her face.
Scott asked me who it was and I responded with " It's your F%#@ing WHORE!"
"MALISA!", he yelled. "That was uncalled for and rude." We got into a short argument before he opened the door and let her in. They hugged and he kissed her cheek. I knew what was going on. I wasnt stupid, I just didnt want to believe it was happening. Thank goodness the kids were at school. The blond hoochy took a seat on my couch and Scott sat next to her and asked me to have a seat. I felt dizzy. He told me that he no longer wanted to be with me and that he wanted to start a life with this chick that was sitting on my couch....MY COUCH. I lost control. I stood up and lunged at her, grabbing her by the hair with one hand and the neck with the other. I told her to get the EFF out of my house and I told him to go with her. I tried pulling me off of her, but I'm ten pounds of sugar in a five pound bag, baby...you aint gettin me to back down. He said that he wanted her to move into our house and that I should be finding a different place to live. I told him to think again and that his ass was going to need to find somewhere for him and his dog to sleep cause they werent kicking me and my kids out of my house. I finally let go of her, or I prolly would have killed her (good thing it was a dream). I dont know what came over me, I felt so sad to be losing my husband but yet I felt almost at peace with it. I was sad that my kids werent going to have a stable house anymore, and that they werent going to be raised by both parents in one household. I thought about how much I truly loved my husband how I couldnt believe he would throw away 12 years over some blond that he said he loved. I screamed at the woman (who was probably 130 pounds) and told her that she needed to get the EFF out of my house and that she could forget about ever being a part of my kids' lives and I told scott the same thing. All I could do and think about was getting even and making his life miserable. It felt good.
Thank goodness it was all just a dream. I feel self conscious of myself. Maybe my husband wants someone else. I dont know. I know it was just a silly silly silly dream, but I can not help but think about how I felt being compared to that skinny skank in my dream. It was terrible.
On another note, I did fairly well with my food choices yesterday. I really didnt eat a whole lot. I had 2 lumpia rolls and 3 tiny appetizer ones and some pasta salad and sauce.
Kay, Im done and Im done rambling for today.
Guess I will go and finish cleaning.
Have a great Sunday folks. I didnt make it to church, I slept in and still didnt feel like I got enough sleep.
Malisa
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Day 3: Building momentum...er something like that
Saturday mornings are no longer for sleeping in and cuddling. Just like Monday through Friday, I wake up to the sound of my alarm clock...BOOOOO! Last week Hayden started his dance class and ended up sitting on the bench the entire time crying. This week he strait up through a tantrum and refused to go into the room at all. Here is where most of us would be thinking: "There is a waste of money"...and normally, YES...it would be. However, I have another three year old....one who is a bit bashful but likes to have fun. So, I paid a little extra to switch from Hayden to Miriam, cause she needed a leotard, and got her into the dance class...Yay! After all of that, we were all starving and I had errands to run...so, guess what I did? I went through the drive through at JITB...but we had breakfast sandwiches only and nothing else..well, I had the meaty breakfast burrito. I figure it was one of the better choices. I said...better, not FABULOUS!...I have to build momentum ya know. Its not like quitting smoking...thank god I am past that stage....I have to psych myself up mentally to deal with changing my eating habits. It's a process people. Last night wasn't any better. Although, I ate weightwatchers dip...I had a ton of jalapeno flavored tortilla chips with it. I did only eat a small piece of cake though...I think I get a point for that...who doesnt love cake and COSTCO cake at that. I suppose I could have skipped it altogether, but I dont think I have made it to that point yet. I can't even commit to 30 minutes of workout a day and y'all want me to skip the cake right at the beginning.....pppffffttt...PUH-LEEZE...who you jokin'? Shoot. :)
Today, I plan on cleaning my computer room and getting a nice workout that way. Maybe then I will go for a walk with the kiddos. Lord know if I played a game like hopscotch with the kids it wouldnt be 1-2-3-4...it would be more like Alaska-Oregon-Idaho-Nevada....ha haha..(.well I thought it was funny.)
Tomorrow is church. I am at a place right now where I am looking forward to church on sundays again. Although, I haven't gone to church with my husband and I know he would like me to go to Mass with him, I am just not there yet. Im happy with the feeling and message I get from New Beginnings. I am going to give my weight problem to GOD tomorrow. Truly give it to him; because Cat, you are right, I think I am in control but I need to just let it go. I need to stop obsessing about it and thinking about it all the time. I'm missing out on everything else in my life by focusing on my weight and the way I look. I will only go to certain movie theaters because they have seats that the arms fold down and wont dig into my sides. I'm embarrassed for my husband to introduce me to new friends of his because I dont want people to dog him for being married to the fat lady. I gave up volunteering at the kids' schools cause I dont want the kids to tease my kids for having the fat mom. I am the one who has the issue and my family should not be punished or ridiculed because of my weight. People suck! I want to believe that inside they just are insecure about something cause it makes me feel better but truth-be-told...some people just SUCK to suck. So, now that I already had a burrito full of meat and egg and cheese, it is time for me to break a sweat and get some cleaning done.
Love you all and thank you for following me and giving me encouragement. I love you all and am truly blessed that you are all in my life one way or another.
Malisa
Today, I plan on cleaning my computer room and getting a nice workout that way. Maybe then I will go for a walk with the kiddos. Lord know if I played a game like hopscotch with the kids it wouldnt be 1-2-3-4...it would be more like Alaska-Oregon-Idaho-Nevada....ha haha..(.well I thought it was funny.)
Tomorrow is church. I am at a place right now where I am looking forward to church on sundays again. Although, I haven't gone to church with my husband and I know he would like me to go to Mass with him, I am just not there yet. Im happy with the feeling and message I get from New Beginnings. I am going to give my weight problem to GOD tomorrow. Truly give it to him; because Cat, you are right, I think I am in control but I need to just let it go. I need to stop obsessing about it and thinking about it all the time. I'm missing out on everything else in my life by focusing on my weight and the way I look. I will only go to certain movie theaters because they have seats that the arms fold down and wont dig into my sides. I'm embarrassed for my husband to introduce me to new friends of his because I dont want people to dog him for being married to the fat lady. I gave up volunteering at the kids' schools cause I dont want the kids to tease my kids for having the fat mom. I am the one who has the issue and my family should not be punished or ridiculed because of my weight. People suck! I want to believe that inside they just are insecure about something cause it makes me feel better but truth-be-told...some people just SUCK to suck. So, now that I already had a burrito full of meat and egg and cheese, it is time for me to break a sweat and get some cleaning done.
Love you all and thank you for following me and giving me encouragement. I love you all and am truly blessed that you are all in my life one way or another.
Malisa
Friday, October 1, 2010
Day 2: How crazy am I??
So far today I have made strong food choices...I've chosen not eat any. ha ha ha! I know that I need to get myself back on a schedule and actually EAT the way I should. Breakfast, snack, Lunch, Snack, Dinner...small snack. Believe it or not...I have done that and lost pounds, serious pounds in fact. 40 is no small number and I could stand to lose more than that. But I am unsure how to map this out. Do I count calories? Carbs? Low-fat? Weigh and measure food? It seems so difficult to chose knowing that I get burnt out so easily because I have a large amount to lose. Its one thing to be carrying around one heavy body but to be carrying around one heavy body that could ultimately be two fat people is not my idea of a blast. I was chatting with an old high school buddy of mine yesterday and she made a comment about being heavy and wanting to try something with all of her "Fatty Friends". Now, I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants. Sad thing is, I really almost peed my pants. Turns out that when you get too heavy your body cant take the weight of the the extra F-A-T squishing your internal organs and forcing your bladder to um...well...leak. :( I'm 32 people! I should not have to wear panty liners for urine purposes. This is only a small part of it. I take 13 pills a day...THIRTEEN!!!!! I have high blood pressure, swelling of the feet, I am now Diabetic, I have to take asprin to lower my risk of heart attack and the list goes on. Some people may look at me and snicker and make comments all they want. I can not blame it all on loving food. I can put some blame on self-esteem issues, depression, and the loss of the greatest man in the world...my Daddy. When he passed away, I never even got to say goodbye to him. I didnt kiss him goodbye the night before like I always did. Things were not well in my marriage and choices were made that devastated me and still haunt my mind. All I can say about that is that my Dad would have chosen to forgive and that is what I did...but no one said the hardest part was going to be forgetting about it. Forgiveness---ppstt--that is the easy part. I know I have spent the last two years punishing myself for things that were literally out of my control. I became reclusive and detached from all of those that I love the most. I turned to food for satisfaction and comfort knowing that it was not going to make me feel like a piece of dirt and it was not going to rub my face in bad decisions. It was going to be there and make me feel...........satisfied. I don't really know how to explain it. Unless you have a weight issue and I mean a significant weight issue, you truly can not understand. Eating is my reward and my punishment all in one. So how do I stop? How can I take control and stick with it?
I thought of an interesting--challenge, if you will. For all of my Fatty Friends...if it works I think I will put together a cook book with everything that we have composed. I can not tell you what it is just yet, no offense, but I want to have a hand up in this world and if this is my hand up...I'm taking it. This could be so cool. I'm excited just thinking about it.... d:9)
Until tomorrow folks...I will make an honest effort to make smart food choices today.
Malisa
I thought of an interesting--challenge, if you will. For all of my Fatty Friends...if it works I think I will put together a cook book with everything that we have composed. I can not tell you what it is just yet, no offense, but I want to have a hand up in this world and if this is my hand up...I'm taking it. This could be so cool. I'm excited just thinking about it.... d:9)
Until tomorrow folks...I will make an honest effort to make smart food choices today.
Malisa
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